Sunday, April 10, 2005

Growing up, taking stock, second wind

For the longest time I've felt like a kid. I've always been a very "grown up" kid, and didn't really notice any difference between being a kid and being an adult. After all, I'm still in school. At age 29. And I'll be in school for at least another year.

I've been putting a lot of things on hold. Like my life. I live it in bits and snatches here and there, mostly during brief vacations home. Any time I take "for myself", I feel guilty about... since if I hadn't "wasted" that time, I would be that much closer to graduating and being able to "start" my life.

Yes, this is a screwy way to think, but somehow I have it in my head that while I'm in school, all my time and energy should be devoted to school. I keep thinking that this mysterious "free time" will appear once I have a job. Or, at least, I'll get a bit then, and then lots more when I retire.

However, feeling guilty about taking time for myself, and holding myself back from pursuing happiness, is also holding me back in school. Don't get me wrong, I really love research, but there's more to me than just that. I have a wide variety of interests. I like to think of myself as "well rounded". Trying to channel all my energy into just one aspect of myself isn't healthy... even though it appears my advisor manages this life just fine. I may not be my advisor, but that doesn't mean I'm not cut out for research. I am. I believe in myself. And if I let myself start having fun in other aspects of my life, guilt free, I won't dread the "work only" times as much... and thus be able to enjoy them again too.

It's time for me to stop living my life in a holding pattern. There is no need for my "living out of a suitcase" attitude... not, of course, that I have been. My apartment is very nice. But still I've held back, saying, "this is just temporary... I don't want to move a bunch of stuff back to Canada," etc. But it hasn't been temporary. Six years going on seven isn't temporary. Maybe if I have a nice tax refund, I'll splurge and buy myself a nice mattress. Sure, I may be using it for only a year, but that's one year less I'll be spending on my crappy mattress. Had I invested in a nice mattress to begin with, that would have been six years of sleeping well. I didn't because I kept thinking that I wouldn't be here much longer. Well, to heck with that. No, I'm not going to go hog wild... I've still got my limited budget to deal with, but I *am* going to stop this holding pattern, and start to live like I'd like to live... within my limited means.

Strange though it may be, but coming to this realization has already made me more motivated and interested where it comes to my dissertation. It's like I've got my second wind.

Let's hope it lasts till graduation. ;)

I am now going to go to bed, and not feel one bit guilty about enjoying my weekend. Good night. :)

4 comments:

Ro said...

Andrea your post reminds me so much of the lyrics to the Dido song "Life for Rent." You should check it out if you haven't heard it.

It sounds like you're really finding your footing...even if it isn't in Canada right now...good for you, friend, go with it! I love it when revelations come to you like that totally out of the blue and suddenly everything is clear...hold onto that clarity, it'll take you farther than you ever imagined.

hugs!
Ro

Anonymous said...

*HUGS*

I'm glad you've finally come to this realization! :) And yay for getting a new mattress! :)

KelliAmanda said...

Wow...it must've been a weekend for this sort of thing...I ended up actually sorting through and unpacking a number of boxes that have been sitting in my dining room since I moved into my apartment 1.5 years ago. I always resist unpacking b/c, hey, it's just gonna get moved again sometime anyway, right?

And for me, now that I'm not in school, I feel the guilt of leisure time not because I should be focusing on work, but because there's always something around my apartment that needs to be done, and if I'm painting or doing crafts or whatever, then I'm not being "productive." I do have more so-called free time than I did in college, but I still feel guilty about letting myself enjoying it.

hi, i'm natalie said...

Hooray for you Andrea! Sounds like you're off to a great start already! Sometimes I feel the same way... between work and school it's like "when does real life start? When do I get to have fun?" But, I guess we just have to make it for ourselves... I'm sure you'll love enjoying yourself and not feeling like you should be doing something else...

PLus, I'm sure getting a good nite's sleep on a new mattress will do wonders to improve your constitution, hee hee!!