Tuesday, March 06, 2007


Whee. This morning I had a regular poke and prod appointment with my doc. Those are always a joy. Thankfully this one didn't seem as uncomfortable as previous ones. I asked about the cholesterol test, and it turns out it was just to see how my liver is handling the Prozac and antihistamines. There was one enzyme that was on the high end of normal, but that could just be the way things are with me. She wants me to do another test around June as a comparison. And she doesn't have an explanation or cure for the tiredness. (As I suspected. Blargh.) I just need to keep on keeping on.

One of the songs from my Anne Murray "Hippo in my Bathtub" cd is going through my head this morning. These are the lyrics as I remember them:
In every tree there sits a bird,
And every one I ever heard
Can break my heart without a word
Singing a song of love.

A song of love is a sad song,
Hi-lilly, hi-lilly, hi-lo.
A song of love is a song of woe,
Don't ask me how I know.
A song of love is a sad song,
For I have loved and it's so.
I sit at the window and watch the rain,
Hi-lilly, hi-lilly, hi-lo.
Tomorrow I'll probably love again,
Hi-lilly, hi-lilly, hi-lo.

This morning before my alarm went off, I was thinking about how someone recently said that I seem to be unnaturally happy, and don't experience the whole range of emotions. I do. I just know that I have to push aside and ignore the bad feelings as best I can so that they don't drag me back down into depression. I put on a brave face. Mostly what makes me unhappy these days is my poor progress on my dissertation, but if I let it get me down, progress will only get worse. I need to keep putting one foot ahead of another and go through the motions, or I'll just stop. And, yes, I was unusually happy between May and February: I was in love. Love is a wonderful feeling. Now that I'm single again, those feelings are just another thing I need to set aside so I can keep putting one foot ahead of another, keep on keeping on. I know things will be better again someday, and for now I just need to find small happiness where I can. That's not the Prozac talking, that's me. There have always been things I've had to cope with, and I've just gotten better at it with time.

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