Chick flicks always make me feel introspective. Tonight was "Something's Gotta Give" from the front office. My Prozac is at about the right level... I didn't feel too miserable and cry when it was over. I'm not feeling great, but I'm doing pretty good for having just watched a chick flick.
It made me think about playing with the dog this morning... and having contact with the dog made me realize how much I miss physical contact. I'm usually pretty good about shutting away those feelings... although I imagine doing so isn't all that healthy. Probably if I were less good at shutting them way, I would be better at figuring them out. There's probably an explanation for my quirks in my upbringing... my father is Roman Catholic, and so all that "sex out of wedlock is evil" settled pretty firmly in my brain. I don't truly believe that... but then there's only one "first time", and I can never decide if I'm truly "ready". No, I've never "done it". I've come close... but that's about it. Basically, I keep thinking I can't undo what's done, and there's such a big deal in this culture about whether you've had sex, or are still a virgin. I'd never be the type to go around sleeping with people willy-nilly... but I think it can be a good part of a healty, committed relationship. Maybe I'm just scared of commitment?
I do know that dating scares the bejeezes out of me. I panic when I get the impression that someone likes me that way. I try to pretend that they don't... so much so that I can no longer read people, and have no clue how they feel. I don't know why I do this. I wish I didn't. I wish I was capable of saying to myself "hey, this guy seems nice, maybe I should ask him out." But I can't. I'm paralyzed by fear... what if he doesn't like me back? What if he laughs at me? What if it's just infatuation, and I don't really like him? What if I convince I feel something I don't? What if... and the list goes on. My fear wrecks things... I've had a few boyfriends in the past, and having one prevents me from being "me", because I'm too scared that if I am me, they won't like me. This has happened every time, even when I try to prevent it.
You know, I think I should stop, before I talk myself into a downward spiral. I've been feeling pretty good these last few days, so I'll leave it at that. It's past my bedtime, so I'll go make my bed (laundry day today) and go to bed. (Alone.)
I think I may be coming down with a cold... either that, or frisbee this morning did some damage to my lungs. I've been coughing this evening, and my lungs feel "dirty"... it's hard to explain, but when I cough, I get a filthy taste in my mouth, like I've been hanging out where the air is dirty from either polution or cigarette smoke. My lungs feel like they just spent a week or so in Europe. (This is why I can't live in Europe... it's fascinating there, but it mucks up my lungs.) There's definitely "crud" down there that needs to come out, but isn't ready yet. I just don't know if it's cold/flu crud, or asthma "I did a nasty thing to my lungs" crud. I guess I'll find out in the next few days. The question is, should I start taking my other asthma medication, or wait? I think I'll wait for now, to see what happens.
I opened my needle felting kit to pet the fibres and read the instructions. I need to check if I have an appropriate sponge, or buy one. I meant to pick one up when I went grocery shopping today, but I forgot.
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