I sit here, blogging in the dark. With my glasses off. It's way past my bedtime, but I'm having trouble falling asleep, and I felt like talking to someone. Since there is no one else here, I'll talk to you. Whomever you may be.
I got several e-mails from friends just now... that helped.
I should back up a bit... I think my depression meds aren't working so well. Even though I slept most of Monday, I still took a three hour nap today. I'm not getting much work done, which is making me feel even crummier. I feel like curling up in a little hole and hiding. I tried doing that with a paper today, but I ended up sleeping instead. :P
Even though I napped this afternoon, I was still tired this evening. But even though I was tired this evening, I can't sleep now.
I got an e-mail about arranging my fitness orientation tonight. It turns out that the person scheduling appointments got behind with the opening of the new fitness center. (I'll be using the "old" one, because it's closer.) I sent him my availability *again*. It's funny... I was just thinking on my way home tonight that my fitness orientation wasn't going to happen. (I had been planning to ask about it after donating blood last week, but then didn't feel like it.) I've been feeling particularly slothful, and decided I was unlikely to go to the gym anyway... heck, I haven't even been riding my exercise bike at home, and that's as convenient as it gets. I guess now I'll have to go... I don't have the "excuse" of not getting an orientation. But that's just another thing I feel crummy about... not exercising, not wanting to exercise, and knowing I really should be exercising.
Little things are bringing up bad memories too... I wasn't sure my orientation would be at the end of the day, so I got a small towel out of the hall closet in case I want a quick shower after my orientation. The towel was one that my uncle had wrapped around the pots he had brought out to me at UBC. The pots that were to replace the ones that my grandma had given me, and then decided she wanted back, because she was depressed about having alzheimers, and didn't want to move into the assisted living place. (I think giving away her extra pots was like admitting she wouldn't need them because she was old and dependent on others.) That memory hasn't bothered me for quite a while. (It *really* bothered me at first... long story, and it has to do with grandma's alzheimers.)
I don't think I"m making a lot of sense right now, but I feel like babbling, not necessarily like making sense. If you're still reading at this point, I guess you're a victim of my stream-of-consciousness... feel free to stop reading at any time. Even if no one is actually reading this, I think the process of writing is helping a bit.
I think my main problem is that I'm pretty sure I need my meds adjusted, but I'm feeling depressed about that. Am I using my depression as an excuse for my lack of accomplishments? I know it is what's causing some of this, but "if I were stronger, I could work through it"... and why is it that it always seems like I realize I need to go in to have my meds checked when it's time to report to my advisor about my lack of progress? (He's been gone for a week and a half.) Am i using this excuse when I shouldn't be? Is this some cop-out, and the real problem is me, and not my depression? Or is this just my depression talking?
I feel like talking to someone, but not a shrink. Most of what they would say is just the same stuff I say to myself, when I think about it. Yes, getting confirmation is nice, but it's not getting my dissertation done. It doesn't tell me how to get off my butt, stop making excuses, and get to work.
I don't know who I'd like to talk to. Friends and family would commiserate, but still have no solutions. My advisor would try to hide his frustration at my lack of progress, but I would still know it's there. Family would try to be helpful, but not know how, and their "help" sometimes just increases my guilt.
I need to figure out how to conquer my guilt... I think it's one of the big things making my depression worse. However, telling oneself not to feel guilty doesn't seem to work. At least, it hasn't yet. Sometimes I take "me time" to make myself feel better, which I do temporarily, but then I feel guiltier because it's been longer, and I still haven't accomplished much.
One of the things I talked about with the therapist is that I should focus on my accomplishments, not on my lack of accomplishments. I *do* have accomplishments. My program is *way* farther along than it was even a year ago... but I still haven't gotten the big results I need, and the little accomplishments seem to pale in comparison to that lack of accomplishment. They sort of fade into the background. Heck, I still need to propose! I wanted to propose as soon as school started up again, it's mid-September, and I still don't have a proposal document. *sigh*
And yet, here I sit, ranting, when I could be working, or sleeping so that I won't be tired tomorrow.
However, that last thing I think is what bothers me the most. Even after getting a full night sleep, I'm still tired the next day. I think I would be doing better if I wasn't so tired all the time. Why, oh why, can't my doc and I find something to fix the neverending tiredness? I don't want coffee... I don't want to be wired... I just want to be *awake*. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I guess I should go try to sleep again... otherwise there'll be no hope of me being awake tomorrow.
Later...
5 comments:
Have you had your thyroid checked? And not the quickie T4 test, but the full panel. If not, you should. Hypothyroidism (and other thyroid problems) can mimic depression with syptoms like exhaustion and listlessness.
I have autoimmune hypothyroidism, and once I finally got it digagnosed and got on meds, it was like I got my life back. I'm not saying that's what it is for you, but it's an avenue to check if you haven't already.
As for the other stuff ... like you said, no one's going to tell you anything that you don't already know. But it probably wouldn't hurt to talk to your shrink about directed thinking to help when the guilt gets heavy. Sounds like you've talked about it a bit (focusing on your accomlishments rather than what you haven't accomplished), but maybe you need a little more practice with his help.
Andrea, I am feeling for you. Of course, thinking about how you're not sleeping will only make it worse. Instead of a shrink, you could try some biofeedback. Depression is a tough thing. The meds take a while and sometimes they aren't the right ones for you anymore, etc.
I know it sounds tough, but try to avoid the naps.....it'll help you sleep better at night. I know the naps feel great, but try it for a few days. If you need to vent, I'm here.
As Deneen said, if you can try to make yourself stay awake and not nap, it might help a bit. I would also talk to your doc just to mention that you don't think the meds are working like they were. It's not an "excuse". :)
Have you ever tried to set little goals for work/etc so that when you accomplish each one you feel like you were productive? It helps me sometimes when I feel like I'm not getting much work done.
I've been having sleeping problems lately too -- I used to have serious insomnia years ago, but it went away when I moved to Seattle. Back then it was a mixture of things causing it. I started doing yoga and taking valerian root periodically, which helped me get some sleep. The yoga helped me relax a bit. I guess I need to start doing it regularly again. Not sure if that would help you. :)
HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS
I had an appt with my therapist yesterday. She was concerned with my sleeping habits. I get like 12 or 13 hours a day!!! I get a few things done, but nothing like I'd like to and I still don't feel up to going back to work yet.
She suggested I try and make a schedule for each day. Like, make sure I only sleep 9 hours, she wanted it 8 and I talked her into 9. Then, set a schedule, even scheduling in hours for crochet time. Just something so that I get up and do stuff. I always make a small list and crossing things off makes me feel accomplished.
Guilt....hmmm...can't help much with that. I'm a guilt ridden person too. although, with my new meds, it's less. So, I don't think it's you. I think it's your meds. Either they aren't working anymore and you need to try new ones, or you need a bigger dose. Guilt is one of the worst side effects of depression I think. I felt guilty about everything which made me want to curl up in a ball and sleep.
Please go see the psychiatrist. He may have some insight. I'm here anytime you want to talk or rant or anything. You know that!
HUGS HUGS HUGS
Whoa,
Almost sounds like (I realize it's not) ADD. I have that and I am un medicated ...I had one flake tell me that (after expensive testing) that was what I had but I had to treat the depression first. Ha! Depression comes from the ADD, that's what another MD said. I was planning on pursueing another MD to help but lost the insurance. Now I have substandard coverage. So, I deal with things the best I can. Not easy and GUILT is a MAJOR component of everyday life. Sucks...No advice, I haven't figured it out for me...but I can understand and empathize and pray for you.
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