Last night was full of revelations... and one big emotional rollercoaster.
It started when I decided to write some more of one of my dissertation chapters. I was feeling pretty good about making progress. I opened up the file in the editor, and all of a sudden an intense emotion swept over me. It's rather hard to describe, but I think it included revulsion, self-loathing, fear, anger... and the knowledge that this happens every time I open a file to try to make progress.
I suddenly realized why I was no longer a good student... I was avoiding my files, because I hated feeling this way. I never used to feel like this, way back when I was a good student. I'm thinking that is why I didn't used to find it so hard not to procrastinate. Realizing the intensity of my feelings, I understood why I so desperately wanted to procrastinate.
I put away the computer, and pulled out the squid toque for some knitting in the round and serious thinking.
First off, it's not the files I hate, it's really not them. It's my past lack of progress I hate, and the fear that if I don't "fix myself", then I'll never make a good professor. And if I can't be a good professor, what's the point in graduating? Why do I keep torturing myself?
However, now that I've realized *consciously* what my monsters under the bed are, I can confront them. I can find a way to separate my files from my emotions, conquer my emotions, and thus have hope of returning to be the good student I once was. Since there's hope of once again being good, then there's once again a reason to graduate and work towards my goal of being a professor.
I understand why I still want to be in my field and not give up: it's not the research that I hate, it's my past lack of progress.
At one point while I was coming to terms with all this, J asked how my thought process was going. I explained a bit of how I realized how I felt when I opened my files, and thus why I was avoiding them. I also said that now I could figure out coping strategies. He joked that my coping strategies were knitting, sleeping, and reading blogs. Those weren't coping strategies... those were *avoidance* strategies. Now that I fully, *consciously*, realize what my problem is, I can work on finding a solution. A real solution. If I can't deal with this on my own, I'll see if I can find a shrink that can help me. But I think I can deal with this on my own. I'd like to give it a try first, at any rate.
Then I was explaining to J one of my research results. He had problems understanding it, and made me explain it using a different formalism. I eventually managed to explain it to him, and then we (I'm not sure how much was him, and how much was me) determined a better way of doing what I was doing. I wanted to stubbornly cling to my original idea, and he kept trying to explain that was stupid.
This led to the second major revelation of the night: why I have trouble working in groups. I'm afraid of being wrong. I don't want to spout half-baked ideas and then be immediately told I'm full of shit. I want to fully bake my ideas, then present them, and be *right*. I spent so much time being correct in school, I didn't learn how to accept being wrong. I get all hurt and defensive when someone tells me I'm wrong, and that is *not* the correct reaction. To do research, you first have to be wrong before you're right. One person says their half-baked idea, which is full of shit but leads to another, slightly less-full-of-shit idea, and the process goes until the problem is solved. That's the difference between taking courses and doing research: being able to be wrong. I need to work on this... I need to practice spouting half-baked ideas, and then not get defensive and hurt when I'm told I'm full of shit.
The final major revelation is that I need to learn to write faster. Now, I've known this one for quite a while, but J has suggestions how to do it: don't worry about being "right" or "formal", just get the first draft on paper. Use a conversational tone, like you would explaining it to a colleague. Most results can be explained to a colleague in a half hour. *Then* work on correcting that first draft. Also understand that single-author papers aren't going to be as well written as multiple-author papers: you don't have someone else reading your stuff and telling you where you're full of shit. So just realize that the dissertation is a single-author paper, and that it won't be as well written as other stuff.
J helped me learn a lot last night, both directly and indirectly. Thankfully I didn't strangle him at some point in the process. ;)
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I think I'm much stronger today. (And no, I'm not and wasn't ever actually mad at J... even when I was upset, I realized it wasn't really him I was upset with.)
Well, time for a shower.
9 comments:
Hello, Andrea,
Very good insights, and I hope you'll quash those demons under the bed. Given that I hang out with social workers, I hope you can train colleagues not to respond to your ideas with "That's real sh-t," but with "Wouldn't this make it clearer/better/richer," since that alone would show a demon the door. You'd be amazed at what grows out of sh-t.
J's absolutely right about the writing. I realize computer/math is very different from liberal arts, so there may not be as much writing in English sentences as other things, but you'll discover more and have less heartburn if you just let go and write the sucker as if you were talking to a friend or colleague. A friend of mine gave me an article called "The Watcher at the Gate" when I began writing--all those worries that it won't be bright enough/good enough that keep the words from the paper. Walk on by. Editing and rewriting will fix the problems, and it's more fun to play with the ideas once you can see them.
Another strategy--figure that if you can write a page a day (which you're pretty much doing already with the blog), by the end of the year, you'll have a book (365). A book is very scary, but one page isn't--maybe takes a half an hour.
You don't have to start at the beginning, either. Write the page you know right now. Then write the next one. If you get stuck, write something else you know, and come back later to the stuck place. Half the battle of doing the big D is ignoring all those "rules" about how to write and just doing it. It will turn out o.k.
Continuing best wishes (and from the other Tuesday-nighters, I know).
--Margaret (in CH)
You and I are just that much alike - so afraid of failing that we don't make progress. But you will get through it! As for the writing - definitely take J's advice and just get it down on paper. In fact, that's one I should probably remind myself of from time to time. :-) Love ya.
Thanks Margaret. :) Hi to you and all the other Tuesday-nighters!
Kelli: *hugs*
I've nothing profound to say, except that I'm very proud of you. :) I think you're being incredibly brave to confront those monsters in your closet. That first step (acknowledging what the hell is wrong to begin with) is always the hardest.
J has great advice. Listen to him & get ON with with it! You'll be a great professor someday. :)
Hugs!
Wow! That's a lot of profound thinking. I think you'll find that a LOT of researchers from all disciplines have much the same demons in their closets. I sure do.
J gives very good advice. Lucky you.
H
You can do it! I am proud of you, also! School can be hard and maybe you also have a tiny fear of finishing? I know that sounds silly, but if you finish then there is an unknown. If you don't finish, then there is something you know needs to be done that lingers and in a strange sense that is comforting.
*HUGS*
Good luck in getting lots more done now that you've figured this out! :)
I actually LIKE working in groups for just the reasons you don't -- I find it's easier to get something done, and it feels less like work, if I'm working on it with someone else. Of course, I'm also in favor of tossing out half-baked ideas (with the understanding that they ARE half-baked), and then working on the ones that have potential together.
andrea- very insightful post and very insightful j. go with what margaret says. if you can put something in a blog every day, you can put a little something in your dissertation and THEN go relax and knit. sue (in CH)
Wendy: I think there is a bit of fear of finishing, but that's one that I've known about and have been working on for a while. ;)
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