Down

I think I need to go in for a med check. I don't really want to... it was just recently that I had all those appointments for my joints and tongue, and nothing came of that. Of course, that doesn't mean my doc won't be able to help me with my depression, but, even though I felt like I was slipping some, he didn't do anything last time I was in. Maybe that's because I was in for other stuff, and docs don't seem to like dealing with more than one thing at once. Or maybe he's as clueless as I think he is. That's not a nice thing to say, but that's how I feel. He's trigger-happy when it comes to the meds. The reason I keep going to him is that I don't know that any of the other student health doctors will be any better, and this one at least has some idea of my medical history. I feel that's important.

It's probably the "prozac poop-out" that he's warned me about. I was hoping to "coast" on my current level and med until I got home, when I could talk to my family doctor. I don't know if I'll use her to treat my depression, or if I'll get a recommendation to a shrink from her. However, I'll be in a more stable environment when I get home. I'll have my family there, who can monitor me and support me. They can give me second opinions on how I'm doing, rather than me trying to diagnose myself. I have a bad memory when it comes to medical stuff (how long I've been like this, when something started or last hurt, etc), and also don't always notice when I'm slipping. I wonder if the depression is coming back, or if I'm simply having a bad day/week/etc. Is it actually a chemical imbalance, or merely my dissertation getting me down? But I've felt pretty down for the past two weeks (at least), so I think it is the depression.

Especially now that "fun stuff" is interesting me less too. Like reading, knitting, and crochet. Last night and today I've been knitting/crocheting more out of habit than because its what I want to do. I guess I think that if I do something, it'll make me feel better.

My appetite has been affected too. Or rather, my interest in preparing food for myself. I still get hungry, but don't know what I want to eat. So I eat what's easiest. Or what I usually make, simply because it takes less thought. Although, even though I can do it on autopilot, the stuff I usually make isn't interesting me, so I eat whatever's convenient. Like leftover potato salad (which is now gone), cereal, junk food... but I don't actually feel any better when I'm done eating. And the effects of too much sugar is also not helping. But even though I know I need to eat something substantial, I can't think of anything that I *want* to eat.

I don't think I should have watched Proof. It was good, but there's something about that sort of movie... ones about crazy mathematicians... that really doesn't help my mental state.

I haven't heard back about the conference yet. I know the people organizing the conference, and I can totally see them letting non-urgent deadlines slip. You know the type. ;)

But back to the depression. I think I should call to make an appointment on Monday. It's not the ideal situation I was hoping for (the meds working fine until I got home), but very little about depression is ideal.