Crap

(See Suzanne, I used a PG-13 word.)

I feel like crap. Not sick crap, but my depression is back, I'm pretty sure. I was supposed to make an appointment with my doctor this month, but had been planning on postponing it until I didn't need to pay the $62 student health fee. However, last night I felt crappy enough that I decided I really should shell that money out. Not only have I made an appointment to see my regular doctor, but I've made an appointment with CAPS (Councelling and Psychological Services). I suppose this way I get two $31 appointments instead of one $62 one. :P

Reasons I made the appointments:
1. I've been needing 2-3 hour naps every afternoon.
2. I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning.
3. I've been feeling like crap.
4. I can't work... this crap feeling (and the sleeping) is interfering.
5. I can't tell if I hate academics, or if that's just my depression talking.

That last one is the reason I made an appointment with CAPS.

I know I shouldn't have waited. I could have "nipped the downward spiral in the bud", but I did wait. Now I've wasted most of my summer, feel like crap, and have to go in anyway.

Not only that, but my two appointments are for today and tomorrow, both in the afternoon... and both days are forecast to be 100F+, with heat indices around 110F+... not the smartest time to be walking across campus. However, I need to do this now... otherwise I'll just have more days where I feel like crap and don't accomplish anything.

Why is it so hard to recognize when I feel like crap? Why can't I have this little warning indicator light that pops on whenever I need to go see the doc? I want a warning light!

I want to graduate! Why can't I just buckle down and get this stupid dissertation over with!?!? Because I feel like crap, that's why... but that doesn't fly when your advisor is asking for progress reports. Once or twice, yeah, but after that the doc should have found the magic bullet to transform me back to the fantastic student I was back in 1998. Of course, that could be my own guilt talking. I *do* have a good advisor, and he's been amazingly supportive... but he also asks me what he needs to do to motivate me. Don't you think if I knew that I would have *told* you already!?! I want to be gone as much as you want me gone!

I'm worried. I'm worried that I'm a failure. I'm worried that I might not have funding in the fall. I'm worried that if I don't have funding, I'll also lose my office. I'm worried that not having an office will make it even harder for me to get things done. I'm worried about what I'll do with my life if I don't graduate. I'm worried about what I'll do with my life if I *do* graduate. Will my home U still want me? If they do, will I actually be cut out to be a prof? Or will my crappy motivation continue, and make me a failure in the eyes of all those who once respected me?

As with all irrational worries, telling myself not to worry doesn't help. (After all, what if they *aren't* irrational worries?)

Did I mention I feel like crap?

Making the CAPS appointment was hard, given my disdain for shrinks. (I had to deal with my brother's shrinks as a kid, and was *not* impressed by any of them.)