Wednesday, June 25, 2008

To the Spiders in my Apartment

Dear Spiders,

I would like to formally notify you of the ground rules:

1. You are allowed to live and hunt any bugs on the ceiling, but please do not build webs there. Should you decide to build webs, I will sweep them up when I deal with the roaming herds of dust bison.

Snicker! Hee! *snort*

Hey! No comments from the peanut gallery!

Continuing on...

2. You may also live in between the window panes. You will likely enjoy the colony of miniature sow bugs that seem to be living there. But again, no web building.

3. You may live behind the furniture or near the baseboards, but only if I don't see you. If I see you there, or anywhere else you are not allowed, you will be sentenced to death by kleenex. I realize you think you're strong and threatening, but no matter how you rear up for the confrontation, my kleenex and I are much more massive than you, and you don't stand a chance.

4. If you are caught dangling into the bathtub when I shower, you will be washed down the drain without one ounce of regret. (The death-by-kleenex cases I do feel a tiny bit of remorse.)

If you follow these rules, I'm sure we can get along amicably.

The Lady With Many Kleenex Boxes.


Sara said...

Yeah! You tell 'em!

Dianne said...

You go girl! Let me know if this works. If so, I'll post copies in every room of the house as well as at work!

Kath said...


Please be advised we are attempting to abide by your rules, however the building of webs is a necessary component of the overall pest control services which we provide. If you persist in repeatedly interrupting this vital process, we cannot be held responsible for the outcome. We suggest that as a border between the territories, the window panes be considered the DMZ. (The sow bugs are deelishus!)

Additionally, while we are somewhat pleased to her you are remorseful in your actions, rendering death by kleenex just moves the victims on to their next life. And whether that is as kittens, puppies, rude customer service agents, lying politicians - again, we have no control over the outcome. (Just something to think about.)

We respectfully request that you reconsider your plans for large scale death and destruction. In the meanwhile, we will continue to be diligent in our pursuit of insect life, while hopefully, providing you with inspiration for future lace projects!

Very truly yours,

The Spiders

noricum said...


Kath: These are, I believe, hunting spiders, which don't normally build webs. I put the web part in because I'm not sure if they build webs for reproduction purposes or not.

I haven't spotted any web building types, but I was hoping to set the ground rules before they decided to set up shop. ;)